I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
