Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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