I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
