I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
