Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
