totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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