also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
