Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
