the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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