does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
