the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
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It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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