how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
