last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
