There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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