drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
