I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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