there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
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My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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