There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize