What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
