Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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