There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
