A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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