R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
