i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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