she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Damn victory sex feels great
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