I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
