my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize