Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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