dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
barbara walters just said penis...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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