that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
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There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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