Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
