the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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