I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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