I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
