No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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