If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
