I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
