She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
