4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I could fuck to npr.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
