No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
