you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
