my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
