I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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