I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
