Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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