I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
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It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
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Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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