I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
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Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
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He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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