party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
