i think i have two assholes
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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