just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
