I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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