U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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