This house was built for laser tag.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
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