Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
you had me at cake vodka
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
