Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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