well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
