a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
