Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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